These Dykes Look a Little Old for High School...

I promise I didn't make this up - Nightmare on Dyke Street is a porn movie from 1992, directed by Michael Morrison and starring Bianca Trump. A rather short movie, and including some moments I never thought I would witness in my lifetime, this movie is well worth checking out simply for the WTF?? factor.

First, to get this out of the way, in the spirit of Edward Penishands, which I have yet to see, Freddy in this film has long, thin, rubbery dildos for fingers (I assume he made them in his basement rubber mill), which are employed in most of the sex scenes. Weird, yes. But there are other, subtler moments that are even weirder.

1). Freddy never takes off his mask (which is so obviously just a mask, they clearly didn't bother to try and cover it up - bless the actor, though, for at one point holding the flapping neckline of the mask down - not very convincing, but I appreciated the effort). Yet, Freddy does change bodies - he is white in most of the scenes, but in one scene he inexplicably turns into a black man.

2). The first sex scene, in which Trump is dreaming and Freddy puts his special glove to use, is used twice, serving two different dream sequences. How very economical of them.

3). This is the weirdest part - the filmmakers apparently took the time to construct a fully functional Freddy-penis, burned like his face, and capable of ejaculating amounts of cum that I can only assume represent Freddy's abilities as a demon/paedophile. You don't see it attached to his body - it moves into frame from off-screen, just in time to spray demon seed all over our heroine. 

That's really all I have to recommend this film. There's really no plot to speak of - although the box tells me that the dykes of Dyke Street (coincidence?) have nightmares of hetero-sex. Basically, they built a movie around a super-cool dildo-glove, and I bought it. Mission accomplished, I'd say. And I know you all want to watch it too.

Zombie Diaries - You SUCK!

Yes, Zombie Diaries is fucking terrible. I put this picture of Zombie aka Zombi 2 aka Zombie Flesh Eaters up here to a) show you what a good zombie movie looks like, and b) show you what I gaze at in my living room every day as I sit on the couch. 

Anyway, Zombie is great - Zombie Diaries...fuck you! I cannot believe how bad this movie is. And, if it wasn't bad enough, it is also annoyingly similar to Romero's Diary of the Dead in both content and title, to the point where I started writing this blog referring to Diary of the Dead. 

I started watching this movie, excited and anticipating some kind of Cloverfield-esque zombie movie. Cool! No, not cool at all. Lots of bad acting, running around with a camcorder - and, by the way, apart from the first segment, there really isn't any clear reason why anyone is filming - and then an exasperatingly boring second half, finished off with a healthy dollop of shit, which, I'm sure, they like to call their "twist." I won't "ruin" the film for those of you who haven't seen it, but lets just say the film fairly quickly doesn't seem to focus on its subject matter. If there's one thing I hate, and I mean this sincerely, is a horror movie which feels that it is "above" a horror movie. As in, simply being a good horror movie is seemingly not intellectual enough, and they somehow have to lift the film above its murky genre.

To me, it really doesn't get any better than a damn good horror movie - intellectually, emotionally, everything-ally. I'm talking about the first time you saw Return of the Living Dead, with that grain of skepticism in your brain, because "most horror movies suck"; I'm talking about zombies fighting sharks; the gems that you pick up off the lower shelves of the Blockbuster with a shrug ("Eh, it might be ok") and then get home and find yourself watching someone getting cut in half vertically in the woods.  Ok, doesn't sound too intellectual, but I guess that depends on what you mean by "intellectual." All I know is that I think a hell of a lot more deeply watching the Night of the Living Dead remake (as in, Tom Savini 1990) than I do watching Lions For Lambs or whatever "political drama" has come out this week. 

And not just gore-art - a level of passionate commitment to their craft that I honestly don't see in other genres. I think back over my very favourite horror movies, and I honestly get a lump in my throat thinking about how clearly committed to the project those actors and directors were; a sincere love of the genre, and a belief in what they were doing.

So, in conclusion to my rant, Zombie Diaries - you fucking suck. 

Ok - back to my doctoral exams...