Thursday, February 4, 2010

Schnell Reviews: More Quickies!

Hi folks - I'm still stupidly busy, but watching lots of movies, particularly Dracula porn. I will hopefully be moving on to something more enthralling than the utter shit I have had to sit through of late. Proceed...

Dracula (Dir. Mario Salieri, 1994)

According to the DVD, this is a big production, and is the "apotheosis" of award-winning Salieri's career. Well, perhaps something got lost in the English dubbing, but lord, this was terrible. It was, however, hilarious, as the dubbing seemed to get more and more absurd, particularly during the sex scenes. I believe the dubbers were having a little too much fun doing voice over work for porn. I won't bother going into the plot, but Dracula is absent for the most part, and I think the movie was about 35 minutes long. A really strange experience.

Dracula Sucks; aka. Lust at First Bite; aka A Bunch of Other Names (Dir. Phillip Marshak, 1979)

The version I watched had Lust at First Bite as its title, which means I got the hardcore version, but also means all the biting was cut out. This rendered an already-not-very-good movie barely coherent. I had been warned that this film was really not very good at all, but with two of my favourite stars - Jamie Gillis and John Leslie - in lead roles as Dracula and Dr. Seward respectively, I really didn't think it could be this bad. But it's bad. Not Lust of Blackula bad, but there's-really-no-excuse bad.

Lust of Blackula (Dir. Barry Morrison, 1987)

Speak of the devil. Holy shit, this is unwatchable. It stayed on my TV screen for approximately 20 minutes, during which time I had managed to witness Blackula's inability to get wood while jerking off to his wife fucking some lady. He then stalks a couple about to fuck, peeping through their window, and all the while this is presented to you in grainy 80s video - we're talking low quality here. Really bad. I will try to watch it all the way through some day soon, and maybe I'll be able to report back that it gets better, and that our hero finally sports some wood.

Deep Throat: Part II (Dir. Joe Sarno, 1974)

Ok, enough of Dracula. I haven't finished watching Deep Throat: Part II yet, because I went in thinking it was hardcore, and then slowly realised that none of the sex scenes ever turned into sex scenes. Nothing against the film - it's great - but I'll save it for a softcore sex comedy night. The cool thing about this film is that it plays off of the Watergate scandal, with some pretty funny and zany results, as well as a typically over-the-top performance from Harry Reems, general awesomeness from Jamie Gillis (I love you Jamie), and fun and hi-jinks all around. If you like your sex comedies pop/meat-shot free, and with lots of fun and giggles, then this is for you.

Champion (Dir. Shine Louise Houston, 2009)

This is my first baby-dyke porn movie, and I was pretty excited going in, seeing as there don't seem to be that many lesbian-made features out there. This is the story of an MMA fighter who is threatened with being "outed" as a lesbian, and instructed by her agent to femme it up a bit. The plot doesn't figure into the movie too much though, and instead most of the time is taken up with some pretty rough and passionate fucking. It certainly felt different from most mainstream porn in terms of the director's vision and the audience "gaze," which I thoroughly enjoyed. However, the sex scenes did get a little bit repetitive and were too long for my tastes. I like a bit more plot. Still cool though.

The Ecstasy Girls (Dir. Robert McCallum, 1979)

Holy fuck - watching this film made me feel like the filmmakers had peered into my personal dreams and plucked this movie out. Jamie Gillis is hired by a man whose rich and sexually moralistic brother is dying - the man wants to disinherit the women of the family by having Jamie fuck all the women (who are naturally perverts), record it, and show it to the dying brother. John Leslie and Paul Thomas are hired by Jamie to help out with the technical side of things, while Jamie goes about doing what he does best. Awesomeness ensues. I loved this film. I never thought I would see a film where the central concept guarantees such a high quota of Jamie Gillis scenes, each one totally different from the last. Absolute wonderment.


X-Ray Specs said...

Well, it looked like I was going to at least get one more movie to add to my rental list. But I found out that my rental company doesn't have Ecstasy Girls. Dang It!

And according to your reviews, it looks like I'm outta luck on any good new vampire porn either :-(

Gore-Gore Girl said...

Honestly, just go and buy The Ecstasy Girls. You can get it pretty cheap. It's worth every dollar and cent.

I'll let you know if I find any more good Dracula porn. I have a couple on the way - Star Virgin and Plan 69 From Outer Space. Dracula pops up in both of them, apparently, but it's not what you would call "vampire porn" exactly.

bougieman said...

Glad you liked this one as much as I did! I happened to be interviewing Jamie Gillis the day after I saw it the first time, and I couldn't stop gushing about it to him like a doofus. haha

Gore-Gore Girl said...

Wow - what year did you interview him? That's amazing. I think if I ever met him I would behave like a complete tool. Probably best left alone - when I met Bruce Campbell I was a bundle of nerves and acted like a complete tit, like I wanted to get the hell outta there. It was embarrassing.

BlackSix said...

Thanks for the review of Champion, I was wondering about that one, too bad it's not more of a feature but from the trailer it looks like it has a lot of cute butchy girls in it.

Gore-Gore Girl said...

Yeah, that's for sure - it was packed with hot butch young thangs.


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