Saturday, December 18, 2010

Quickies For Christmas!

Howdy folks! I'm winding down for the Christmas break, so figured I'd throw out some quickies before I dig into the stack of movies I've been meaning to write up. Just four flicks, but it'll tidy y'all over. Enjoy!

Raw: The Rise and Fall of a Porn Star (Antonio Passolini, 2000)

I like porn flicks about porn, so I picked this up after it was listed in a thread about the subject. It's not a bad video -- Joel Lawrence is a wannabe actor, engaged to Kylie Ireland, who ends up performing in a porn movie after a failed audition and a misunderstanding/case of naivete. Some minor hilarity ensues (more like gentle chuckles), and I stuck with it for a pretty long time. However, the sex scenes are too frequent, and in spite of the batshit crazy soundtrack, the sex was ultimately too gross to keep me watching to the end. The sex itself -- performers, positions, camera angles -- wasn't the problem. The grotesque bolt-ons, semi-soft DPs (leading to wrinkled condoms), and other little things of that nature were. If this had more narrative, or perhaps a better balance of narrative and sex, the grotesqueries of the sex wouldn't have bothered me.

Extra Terrestrian: Die Ausserirdische (Lidko and Siggi Entinger, 1995)

More commonly known as E.T. The Porno, this flick is far more horrifying you might expect, thanks mostly to the realistic E.T. mask. E.T. is sent to Victorian era Earth in order to study their "customs" which basically means creepily standing in a foggy doorway watching people fuck. Eventually, she gets in on the action. This movie has to be seen to be believed. The mask is really unsettling, and during E.T.'s sex scenes the eyes stare vacantly out, creating an unnerving sense of a creature placidly accepting its fate. This video review captures the essence of the flick very effectively, and somewhat reduces the need to seek it out. Or it might make you seek it out with even more fervour. Enjoy.

Danish Pastries aka. I Jomfruens tegn (Finn Karlsson, 1973)

For some reason, I thought this was hardcore, but no matter -- it was fun enough to watch the whole thing even with no actual fucking. Two men visit a village where a convent of beautiful, sex-crazed women reside. A planet (I forget which) is about to pass over it, repeating the village-wide-nymphomania that occurred decades earlier when the planet last passed. One man is trying to put a stop to the sex mania with his sex suppressant, while the other man has an aphrodisiac which he too plans to use. The potions get mixed up, and the party pooper puts the aphrodisiac into the water supply, turning the already-sex-crazed women even crazier. Naked shenanigans ensue, including a frankly disturbing "rape" sequence in which the gals press food and drink into a newbie's face and body (it's really pretty violent), and a neat underwater sequence where they all jump into the aphrodisiac-fueled reservoir. Strangely, one of the coolest things about this film is the excellence of the dubbing -- I don't know who the party-pooper fella's dubber was, but he nailed it. I'm told the original with subtitles is the one I should have watched, but I'm happy to have experienced such voice-art.

Heavy Equipment (Tom DeSimone, 1977)

I saved the best for last. Holy smokes, I loved this film. A nerdy shoe clerk dreams of becoming a hunk magnet, and concocts a potion given him by a mysterious stranger. It's kinda like Weird Science in that he cuts up pieces of beefcake from magazines, burns them, mixes them with liquid, and drinks them. Then, like sweet, sweet magic, he turns into Jack Wrangler! Do my eyes deceive me? No. Jack will disappear from the film after a jerk-off sequence though, surely... No. Jack Wrangler is in it for the long haul, ladies and gents., as he takes advantage of his newfound beauty and fucks a string of different men in different places in different ways. I couldn't believe my eyes, seeing as I had been attempting to find what I had started to think didn't exist: a 70s gay flick, with Wrangler in most scenes (every scene...), that is of a high quality to where you can see what's going on, and has a cool soundtrack. Well, I found it. Not only that, this film has some really bizarre sequences (most notably, a giant penis floating above a masturbating Jack Wrangler), and was originally filmed with 3D segments (you can still see the double edges a little -- it's fun). This has restored my faith that there are nicely restored old gay flicks out there -- now I won't feel so cagey about putting down the big bucks it takes to dig through them. Highly recommended!!


Pax Romano said...

I have on old VHS copy of Heavy Equipment. Man oh man, I loved Jack Wrangler so much - what a cool guy!

Gore-Gore Girl said...

Holy shit, that's awesome! I love Jack Wrangler too -- it's awesome to know I'm in good company. He is a very special individual.

J. Astro said...

In regards to "ET: The Porno", GAH!! ET mask during sex would equal immediate limpness in my book.

I just received DVD copies of Zero Tolerance's "XXX Friday the 13th Parody" and Rob Rotten's "Texas Vibrator Massacre" in the mail, and intend to give them each a once-over on my page after Xmas. Horror-porn does not excite me or get me "in the mood" but I felt it was sorta my duty to review some slasher-genre knockoffs. ;)

Gore-Gore Girl said...

Yeah, it's disturbing stuff. I do like the fact that the spaceship "taking off" is actually the camera moving down. If you concentrate *really* hard, it kinda works. Sorta.

I will look for your porn reviews! I have Texas Vibrator Massacre, and I want to see Friday 13th -- it looks cool, and the guy who made it seems to give half a shit. Which is nice.

Oh, and it is your duty, indeed -- it's ok to watch porn not for sexual kicks, just like it's ok to watch horror not just for scares. Have fun!

Heather Drain said...

I too love Jack Wrangler and can't wait to see "Heavy Equipment." As far as the "ET" film goes, the clip I saw courtesy of Everything is Terrible was plenty. There are things in this world we cannot unsee. You're a trooper for sitting through the whole thing!

Gore-Gore Girl said...

Mondo Heather! Hola! Yet more Wrangler fans, yay! Yes, you must see Heavy Equipment -- he's in every scene.

And alas, yes, I sat through the whole E.T. atrocity. I'll admit to some FF toward the end (after I realised they were going to repeat the fact that they were "learning our customs" until eternity).

BlackSix said...

I have that E.T. video but haven't gathered the courage to watch it yet. Strangely enough, I think there may be one other E.T. porno floating out there on the interwebs!

Gore-Gore Girl said...

You have it on VHS? That's awesome! You have a duty to watch it.

The Man With No Name said...

Haha wow Heavy Equipment looks like a whole lotta win.

Gore-Gore Girl said...

^ That should be on the marketing materials somewhere. You are correct, sir!


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